We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
work smarter, not harder
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Not all heroes wear capes….
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.