If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
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My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
This forever.