[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
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Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes