[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
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Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT