therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
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GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7