Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
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“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Wise advice
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I self medicate, therefore you live.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”