Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”