[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
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ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast