I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
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[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
new wife guy just dropped
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that