DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
You Might Also Like
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.