It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
You Might Also Like
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
how much for the angry fruit?
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.