Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
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Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Just a bush.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.