cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
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[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison