[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
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Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Rooting for the overdog
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.