*pronounces woah like Noah*
You Might Also Like
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?