You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
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Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”