[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
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My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
We decided to have money instead of children.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
what day is it?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae