Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
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“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I like long walks away from everyone
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
can’t catch a break
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER