There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
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I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.