*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Is this you?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,