#Caturday
Thick as shit.
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i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back