Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
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Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Money is the root of all wealth
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow