Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
You Might Also Like
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people