I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
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Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due