I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
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i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
ME (calling my horse with no name):
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?