“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
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[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.