All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
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Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Customer is always right
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
#SCOTUS one-star review
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.