[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
You Might Also Like
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
School be like
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?