[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
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Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.