Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
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you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
What’s a Messi?
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”