[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
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you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient