as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
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I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT