[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
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Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Actually cracking up @ this
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
much to think about
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.