I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
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The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
😂 amazing answer
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
This is hilarious….
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu