Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
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Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Just ordered me some pizza!
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”