I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
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My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
The Punning Dead.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.