“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
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I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
asking santa clause for nudes
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.