Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
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First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.