If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
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My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.