In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
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Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex