Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
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Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…