Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?