Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
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“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.