I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
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A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
starting a garage orchestra
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.