WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
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The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
How is it still this week?
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.