You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
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Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.