doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Any refunds available?…
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
My therapist after every session
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti