I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
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I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.