Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
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Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
im all 3
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”