Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
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Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?